Analysis of Urban Nature (Shoreline, Washington)

Please Help and Fix my essay, following my teacher’s comment.

Overall essay grade – 2.7 (82/100)

Comments:
Your paper is kind of like a survey of Shoreline: because the paper covers such a big area it doesn’t include much concrete detail. You have included some general examples of how humans use nature, but there is no description of what you observed. The thesis does make a claim, and the paper stays on topic well. To make the ideas more clear, topic sentences need some work. Your topic sentences identify a general topic for each paragraph (such as “vehicles”) but don’t help readers see what the point of the paragraph will be, nor connect it to the thesis.